October 15, 2005
Book Recommendation
This book was given to me for reasons I won't get into, but needless to say, it's a good book and I highly recommend it to you. It's called "The Epidemic - The Rot of American Culture, Absentee and Permissive Parenting, and the Resultant Plague of Joyless, Selfish Children" (written by Robert Shaw, M.D.).
Yep, that's one long title.
Anyhoo, it's quite a controversial book and since I love controversy, I'm going to bring up a topic that might make some of my readers upset - or even downright angry.
Here I go...
I strongly disagree with parents who allow their children to sleep with them at night. Since I can't say it nearly as eloquently than Dr. Shaw, I'm just going to quote him.
"Proponents believe that babies will feel more secure sleeping next to their parents, and mothers will have less of a problem with nighttime nursings if they don't have to do anything more than roll over and accommodate their child. This is a very intense controversy - the only other topic that evokes such passionate feelings among parents is breastfeeding, or the lack of it. Yet there are a number of things that seem questionable to me about sharing a bed with your child. Children develop resources sleeping alone that are essential for adaptation in our complicated culture. Sure, they're going to be happy about being equal participants in what is essentially the core of the marital relationship. But in allowing them to maintain that delusion, we only postpone the day when they learn that they are not the center of the universe, and not on par with their parents in power and presence. They are children, and cannot inhabit an identical world to ours. Also, learning to be alone leads to increased ability to self-soothe, to tolerate frustration, and to recover from disappointment. Sharing a bed with your child clearly thwarts or delays this process."
I couldn't have said it better myself. This is not to say you should NEVER let your kid sleep with you. There are times I find it necessary - like the occasion where Mo threw herself out of her crib head first on to the hardwood floors. That night she joined the hubs and I in bed so I could monitor her closely to ensure her concussion didn't cause other complications. But every other night she sleeps alone and she's grown so accustomed to the routine that if we tried to sleep next to her or even touch her while she's asleep, she grunts and pushes us away. So our discipline has paid off. She is definitely a self-soother.
I realize that not everyone agrees with this approach, but I felt somewhat validated by reading this snippet of information. Do you agree/disagree? Talk amongst yourselves!!
Posted by monkeygirl at October 15, 2005 01:09 AM | TrackBack
I agree in most cases. Once in awhile, Benjamin will wake up in the middle of the night. It usually turns out to mean he is getting sick or teething... those nights, I'll bring him to bed with us until he calms down and falls back to sleep. Then Tom will take him back to his crib. If he sleeps with us, NONE of us sleep well.
I do wish I had known it was okay to bring him to bed with us more once in awhile when he was a newborn though... I always thought it was a BIG no no. But there were times of utter sleepless desperation when I really think it would have been good for all of us. Usually, those were nights one of us was sleeping on the couch with him anyway...
Not into the whole co-sleeping philisophy though... really not. I'm trying to raise a secure, yet independent child and co-sleeping just doesn't really jive with that in my mind.
I'll be interested to see what others have to say!
Posted by: Erin at October 15, 2005 08:45 AM
I agree. BUT!
Sleeping with my newborn worked for me though I was very careful to nap her in her crib and start out her first evening sleep in her crib. Then she would end up with me in a bed in her room for the night time nursings. Sometimes I'd fall asleep with her sometimes not.
I find the saying, "Begin as you mean to go on " works best in this house.That is, it's hard to decide that at 10 mos old now baby should sleep in her bed... Try explaining that to the baby!
Posted by: liesl at October 15, 2005 12:06 PM
I agree! But like Liesl, I let Jack sleep with us for the first 5 months about 95% of the nights. The only reason for justifying this was I NEEDED sleep. But after 5 months, he went into the crib and I think he has slept with me once since and that was in a hotel. He really thought that was cool.
I bought the Dr. Sears book when I was pg and read about half of it and really did not agree with most of what he said. The whole co-sleeping thing is just weird to me and when do you break it? I mean really are they gonna be sleeping with you when they are 12?
Posted by: Dawn at October 15, 2005 03:12 PM
I think that it is a personal choice like many parenting decisions. Not all children are alike and not all parents are alike. Our younger two children have slept with us at different ages and stages. They are now 9 and 10. Our 15 year old did not sleep with us. (Maybe a couple times when he was sick.) They are three very different children but they are happy, secure, independent. They are able to self-soothe, tolerate frustration, and to recover from disappointment. I would say that if there is an overall lack of parenting and discipline they will have issues with structure and independent behavior. Allowing a child to sleep with you doesn't make you permissive. I do agree over indulgence is a huge problem. My whole point is that it is a choice for each family to make on an individual basis. I would never imply that because someone doesn't let their child sleep with them that they are doing a disservice to their child.
Posted by: sford at October 15, 2005 11:22 PM
You should read John Rosemond, I have read a lot of his books, he is on the same wavelength as am I!
Posted by: JL Dropout at October 15, 2005 11:23 PM
Hmmm...
I should say I BOUGHT a co-sleeper when I was pregnant with my first after reading Dr. Sears and growing up in a big attachment parenting/nursing community. It lasted for about 4 nights. Apparently, I breed noisy sleepers. Extremely noisy sleepers. I was verging on psychosis, so to the crib he went. He survived, too. Thrived, if I do say so myself.
With Maddie, we tried again. She had none of it. So we never did the co-sleeping thing. I must say, I agree with "When do you transition?" dilemma. Once they reach a certain point, it is more traumatic to force the issue. I have a friend whose son is in sixth grade and still sleeps with her every night. EVERY night. I'm not a fan of it, unless there's a thunderstorm or closet boogeymen. Then again, like sford, I am starting to be a little less militant about other families doing things the way I like to do them. Bottom line, every kid and parent is different. It didn't work for us and I don't regret it one bit. I think we get too caught up in philosophies sometimes, instead of trusting our own instincts.
Posted by: Mari at October 16, 2005 09:58 PM
Wow Mari! Still sleeping with mom in 6th grade? Can't say I would be able to deal with that. I remember that I would occasionally crawl into Moms bed when I was a preteen, either due to a bad night, or I wanted to tell her all about the football game and she was too tired to stay up and listen.... my parents were divorced by that time though. I am really a selfish sleeper. There are many nights that I get up and go to the guest bed NOW so that I can sleep by myself. Whats really funny though is that if Mr. Belle is out of town, I cant sleep AT ALL!
Posted by: JL Dropout at October 17, 2005 08:32 PM
what worked for us was to have mia in bed with us until she was almost 5 months old. then she went to her crib and has been there ever since. sleeping with her was wonderful when she was a newborn - and nursing her while i slept was a godsend. but once she got a little more interactive it wasn't working. no one slept. now she's 13 months old, going to sleep on her own and staying asleep for 12 hours at night. but that's just what worked for us...it's just such a personal decision.
Posted by: michaela at October 19, 2005 02:20 PM
My own personal choice was to not sleep with Gavin. Mostly because it's not comfortable for us. We also want to set up space for him, and space for us. So we have our own "comfort" spaces. We also feel like he is more independant sleeping on his own. He slept in our bed the first few months because we were still getting used to things. I will probably do the same with the new baby.
But to each their own. If it is comfortable for them to have their baby sleep with them, I say go for it. Do what works for you.
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